September is National Suicide Prevention Month so I wanted to write something this month that may actually help someone. Not everyone who suffers from depression is suicidal, but depression is such a contributing factor to those who actually are, that I wanted to share some thoughts with you. This article is not directed at those who suffer from depression, but it is directed at those who live and love with someone who does.
Do you have a friend or family member who lives with Depression? When they are in the midst of some of their darkest moments, what do you say to them? Well-meaning folks sometimes say things that are not at all helpful. Sometimes, even though they don’t mean to, they end up hurting someone even more instead of helping. I could write a whole different post about what NOT to say, but I think I’ll save that for another day. In my experience, only a few things actually make a difference and may help someone to start feeling better.
1. “I see you and you are not invisible”
This can be said through words or actions. Sometimes a silent action is far more powerful. One of my favorite things to do when I can’t shake depression is to disappear from as much as I can. I still have to get up and go to work, but I might not leave my office as many times during the day as normal. If something is happening after work or on the weekends, I often times just don’t go. If you miss seeing someone that you normally see at a specific place, reach out to them. Let them know that you missed seeing them. Don’t relay this message through a family member or another friend (Can you repeat that for those in the back please). If you are somewhere and you think to yourself, “I wonder where _____________ is at”… text or call them personally and let them know you missed seeing them. Let them know that their presence is important to you. Not in a way that says, “why didn’t you come”… but in a way that says, “I really miss you when you are not here”.
2. “You are not alone, I’m here for you and I am not leaving”
Hear me loud and clear on this… do NOT confuse this one with “I understand”. Unless you really do understand struggling with Depression, don’t say that. Instead, let them know that even if you don’t understand, even if you don’t have all the answers or know what to say, that you will still be there for them. It doesn’t really matter if you understands the details, it only matters if you show compassion and understanding. Often times a person’s greatest fear is that the one person who is there for them won’t be for very long. Please reassure them that you are there to stay! There is so much to be said for just sitting quietly with someone in their darkest moments, present and available, and ready to love them through. This could be the difference between them being a survivor or being a statistic.
3. “You matter to me and I love you”
When depression is rearing its ugly head, one of the things it likes to say is “you don’t matter and no one loves you or cares about what happens to you”. That may not be true, but to a person suffering, it is very likely what they are hearing inside their mind. It doesn’t take long before they start speaking it out of their mouths and believe it as truth. Please remind them that they do matter and that they are loved. It doesn’t have to be in a big ceremonious announcement, just a personal and genuine one.
4. “I’m here if you want to talk”
Another prevalent thought that depression brings with it is that no one cares. Let your friends and family members know that you do care and you are ready and willing to listen without judgment to their feelings and emotions. Here’s the crazy thing about feelings and emotions… what we feel isn’t always realty… however, it doesn’t make the feelings any less real. Even if the messages our feelings are feeding us are false, the fact that we are feeling them is so incredibly real and having someone to just listen, without judgment, or a need to try and “fix” them can be an incredible relief.
5. “What can I do to help”
A word of caution, if you don’t mean to follow through, don’t say this one. However, if you genuinely want to help, ask them how you can. If you know that their house is a mess and their laundry pile has reached the ceiling (because they have been too depressed to actually do any housework) offer to come and help them get something done around the house. If they are isolating themselves, ask them if you can come over and binge watch some Netflix with them. Maybe they have kids and they honestly just need a nap without being woken up 500 times in the process. Take their kids to the park and let them nap! Figure out what it is that your loved one needs and offer it, then follow through!!
The basic idea here is to love and care for people who are suffering from depression. It isn’t an easy road to walk. It’s complicated. It’s messy. It isn’t for the faint of heart. But our loved ones are worth it. Our friends are worth it. Their lives are worth the effort.
If you personally suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone and ask for help. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to reach out to, I know a great Celebrate Recovery in the Central Arkansas Area that may be a great place to start. If you live in another area, I’d love to help you find one near you if you don’t know how to. I mean it! Leave a comment here or send me a Facebook message.
My Journey 